So often I hear from parents that their spouse is not on the same page with .. and that's not always when it's a divorced family, sometimes it's the same in a married intact family.

 So often when parents get divorced the kids end up living full time with mom and only see dad on weekends (or maybe visa versa)or maybe sometimes not even that often but when the do see dad it feels like Mom is the disciplinarian and dad ends up being the Disney Land dad, always taking the kids out for dinners or doing some kind of activity to have fun then taking them back to moms house after they have been eating things that they shouldn't or eating too much sugar laden foods so now mom has to peel them off the wall and get them ready for bed and a new week at school.

One parent is often to strict or at least feels like they are the bad guy while the other parent is out there  giving the kids the time of their lives not really caring what consequences come up once the kids are dropped back off at home. We as parents very often send conflict messages to our children.Which in turn teachers our kids learn very quickly to manipulate us and any other adult in their lives. I'ts hard enough when you are the biological parents to agree what the rules and expection should be in your home and then to get everyone to live by those rules. But then you take two families and try to blend them together and it can be very difficult for you as the step parent or maybe you are the parent caught in the middle. you love your new spouse but you love your son, even though you know that sending him away from home to a residential treatment center will do him so good, and will probably affect the whole family for good. 

Many times just getting the kids away from home and into a secure, structured, environment will be helpful. Getting your child away from the bad influence of their friends and putting them in an environment where they will have positive peer pressures  not the nevegetive peer pressure she/he is with right now.

Placement in a program will give your teen the time to take a look at their lives and reassess their goals and start taking the baby steps to reach those goals, with others that are setting goals and making the baby-steps to reach those goals. they will be associating with kids just like themselves not the hard core kids, but basically good kids making poor choices,

Back in the Stone Age, giving to your child might have meant providing food, shelter and protection. Those needs are still there. Unfortunately, if you give in to every little want and need your child expresses, you are really feeding and nurturing a sense of false entitlement issues. It will lead to problems later in life.

How many of your kids are watching the TV commercials this time of year and you hear "I want that" oh "I want that"! Every time a commercial comes on I hear that from my grand kids.

It's important to keep in mind that parents and kids get some powerful messages from TV commercials and from society. Some of the biggest is "the more you give your child, the better parent you are. " this is the newest thing, it's what everybody's getting, if you don't have it, you won't be cool. Pretty soon parents feel obligated to give, give, give, or they are afraid that the kids won't be happy on Christmas morning. Very often we as parents are still paying for broken or discarded Christmas gifts well into the first of the year, and the kids can't even remember what they got.

When you child thinks the world revolves around him/her and you should just give to them "because" they have some serious entitlement issues and it's time for a wake up call.

Don't keep giving like that all you're doing is setting your child up for entitlement issues that later in life will make them a monster in your home. Always expecting to be given anything and everything they want or think they need. It's not unreasonable or mean to make a child earn the privilege of a new pair of sneakers or a new toy of some kind. Making them earn part of the cost of the item will also make them take better care of the new item as well.

I can't tell you how many ski parkas my daughter has bought her son because he was constantly loosing his coat, even with his name in the back of it. She finally got a clue and started buying the coats from the second hand store. Surprisingly when he wasn't able to wear the newest fashion of ski parkas he started taking better care of the coat with the promise if he could keep track of the last parka for two months and he had to pay for a portion of the new coat, then she would purchase a new parka. That was two winters ago, last winter he didn't loose not one parka.

I hear every day that kids don't appreciate what they have and all they want is "more" why can't I go to the mall with my friends and by the way I need some money!  We as parents have to stop the insanity, it will be hard at first but eventually your home will be a happier place to be.

I can save you a lot of money and frustration. I have parents tell me almost every day that they have either sold their home and moved to a new location, or they have sent the problem teen to live with another family member, only to have the teen doing the same old crap just in a new location within about two months. Now the family member is saying your teen needs to "go home" I can't take it anymore. Or parents have gone to the expense of moving and relocation with jobs and schools only to have their teen back with the same type of kids that they thought they just moved from.

First of all how fair is it to send your problem child to a family member? Do you really think they want to be the parent of a defiant teen? Being a grandma myself I can tell you that I have raised my kids I don't want to start over now, and especially with a  teen that is causing problems at school or at home. I want to be the fun grandma that the kids look forward to visiting!

Truthfully most teens that are sent to live with a family member will be "good" for a while, called the Honeymoon period. But eventually they will find the same kinds of friends that they are associating with now while living at home. Kids need to fit in, they want to feel like they are just like everyone else in their peer group. They will gravitate to kids that accept them right where they are at either in their behavior or in their schooling.The quality of your life is the direct expectation of your peer group. Think about the peers you associate with.

"It's not my child; it's those kids he hangs out with! when I hear that, I always say, "maybe that's so, but the reason he hangs out with that group is because he's similar to them. And just like you are saying, "It's those kids he hangs out with, those other kids; parents are saying the same thing about your kid, "he's the problem".

So don't sell  your house and move and don't send your teen to live with a family member hoping that they will straighten up when the peers change, because they will find the same kinds of kids in a new location.

The only way to change your teen is to find out what the underlying issues are and then work through them. Very often that takes an outside agency that has experience with dealing with defiant teens along with therapy for both you and your teen, so that when they do return home the whole family is on the same page so your teen doesn't just revert back to the same old habits and behaviors.

Remember that while your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child's goal is to be with people who like him.

One of the questions that I get asked most often is how much does it cost and how do I pay for it?

The average cost of private therapeutic boarding schools and programs is about $4000 to $9000 per month depending on the program and what they have to offer. There is usually a processing fee that is separate from the tuition that can range from $1500 to $2500 (this is a one time fee) it usually covers such things as insurance administrative costs, academic testing, psychological testing, and in some cases uniforms. When choosing a program, be sure to ask specifically what is included and if there are any extra fees that can be expected.

If a program is under $3000 per month you need to do your research VERY carefully. And make sure you know what you are paying for. Make sure it's more than glorified babysitting!

There are several different ways to finance these types of programs:

Educational loan is one that is typically used by many families. It is similar to a college loan, they are easy to get and can be repaid over a period of time at about $300-$400 per month. click here to see our list of educational lending instutions

College fund: If you have a college fund set up for your teen, now might be the time to use it, otherwise they may never make it to college. Getting them through this crisis just might get them to the point of being able to go to college, and at that time there may be scholarships or grants available for them to take advantage of.

Individual Educational Plan (IEP) Does your child have an IEP an Individual Educational Plan, through your local school district? In some cases this may defer a portion of the academic costs of the school or program.

Medical Insurance: contact your insurance provider to see if they cover residential placement. Therapy typically is about a third of the cost associated with the costs, a PPO is more likely to cover some of the costs, however; it never hurts to check with your insurance company no matter what kind of coverage you have.

Credit cards: although they usually have a high interest rate, they may be able to provide you with the initial monies to enroll you child until you are able to secure a loan, line of credit or other means of payment.

Home equity credit line. This can be a benefit to you in a few ways. Not only is it a convenient way to access money that is needed, it can also be a tax deduction in regards to interest payments. Usually the therapeutic and medical portion of the tuition can be deducted. Check with your tax account for more information.

A 56-day wilderness expedition in Arizona costs $21,000. Residential Treatment Programs and Therapeutic Boarding Schools often charge between $50,000 upwards to $80,000 for a 9-12 month length of stay.

The fees charged by these private-pay behavior modification programs are not much different than those charged by the top-quality private programs that cater to the juvenile justice system. But when courts or state agencies send youths to private programs, the cost is spread among hundreds of thousands, or even millions, of taxpayers. When parents send their own children, it's usually at their own expense.

The fact that more than 20,000 families a year are paying these enormous sums speaks volumes about their levels of despair over their children's behavior. But how can ordinary people afford to spend so much?

For starters, most of the families that send children to these programs are upper middle-class or wealthy.  But there are families that have had to use up their kid's college savings. What good is saving for college if you're not going to have a kid who can go?"

Many of the programs employ financial counselors to help families figure out how to pay. Some advise parents to take out home equity loans, because the interest is tax-deductible. Others steer parents towards traditional school loan providers. (Starting this tax year, some of that interest will be deductible, too.)

Some families are lucky enough to have health insurance policies that will pay part of the costs. Twenty-two of the 70 programs featured in the 2008 edition of "Places for Struggling Teens" report that one-third or more of their clients have some costs paid by third-party payers, including insurers, school districts and juvenile courts. In general, insurers are most likely to pay for programs that are licensed and accredited, and offer a significant therapeutic component.

Some families manage to persuade their local school districts to pay if their children require special education services and the districts can't meet their needs.

Most private-pay programs and schools are organized for profit, so few provide scholarships. However, in this economy, programs and schools are offering creative solutions for parents to help off-set the cost of private programs which means scholarships are up for discussion.

Despite the high cost, the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP), states that the private-pay market has yet to be fully tapped. At the group's organizational meeting in January, literature was posted that there were "at least 200,000 adolescents in America right now who need our programs and can afford them."

A diagnosis is an important piece of the puzzle we are trying to solve when we try to help kids with disabilities learn how to function. Many parents are relieved when they get a diagnosis for their acting-out, "problem child" because they see it as a guideline for the future. They think, "Now we'll know what to do; this is it? we'll finally get our child the help he needs." The truth is that I've seen families go through the drudgery of doctors and diagnoses many times. I've worked with kids who had Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and many others. I've also seen individual kids with five different diagnoses: every time they were hospitalized or went to a new therapist, they would get a new one. But sadly, in the end their parents were left with the fact that simply having a diagnosis didn't necessarily mean they could get help improving their child's behavior, or get them the skills they needed to learn how to function successfully.

A diagnosis doesn't mean that you are assured treatment for your child from which you will see change. A diagnosis doesn't mean you're going to get funding to help give your child the success he needs. And a diagnosis does not mean he's going to get the services he really needs. Sadly, there are no guarantees. I've worked with many parents whose kids had been given multiple diagnoses, but their children were still punching holes in the wall, cursing them out and having meltdowns at home and in school.

I believe these kids can change, and that the process of change works best when it starts at home. I've worked with acting-out children for thirty years, and I've found that if there's a culture of accountability at home or in school, it enhances these kids' potential to respond. Real change does occur, but it takes a lot of work and sacrifice on the parts of all the adults involved. I'll tell you what I've told many parents in my office: "It doesn't end with the diagnosis, it just starts there."