You: "You failed your biology test? You said you studied!"

Your child: "Well, I forgot my books at school the night before the test. It wasn't my fault!"

You: "Why didn't you tell me? I'm so tired of your lies."

When your child lies to you, whether she does it by telling a half-truth or conveniently "forgetting" some key facts, it's frustrating and upsetting. You wonder, "How can I trust her if she's not being honest with me?" And if this behavior turns into a habit, it becomes difficult to know when your child is telling the truth, twisting it a little?or making up a complete fabrication.

As hard as lying is to deal with, I want to be clear here and say that it's a normal part of growing up. It's another way for kids to test the limits and see how far they can go, and most kids will do it at one time or another. It's important to realize that when your child lies, it doesn't mean she's inherently dishonest or unethical?it just means she's solving her problems in a faulty way in order to get out of punishment or consequences. The danger with allowing this behavior to continue is that your child will keep using this technique to cover up mistakes and the faulty coping skill will become a bad habit.

I think one of the biggest problems with this issue is that parents often overreact or under-react when kids lie.  Don't get me wrong, parenting is hard, and most of us are exhausted at the end of the day. It's easy to let half-truths slide by without saying anything because on the surface, these distortions of the truth can seem harmless. We minimize their importance, but in doing so, we also teach our kids that lying is an acceptable way to solve their problems. Or we overreact and take it personally, and start to believe that our children are somehow intrinsically flawed or untrustworthy. But both ways of approaching lying in children are ineffective?and neither will make the behavior stop.

Half-truths, Omissions and Misrepresentations of the Truth

Don't kid yourself: half-truths, omissions, and misrepresentations of the truth are really the same as lying. It all comes down to the same thing?your child is not giving you complete information. Why do kids do this in the first place? In addition to using lying as a quick fix to get out of trouble, they also see other children, older siblings and even the adults around them being less than honest at times.  They see examples of these behaviors, often without seeing any negative consequence for the lie. As a parent, you just want to make sure that lying is uncomfortable for your child so he doesn't use it to solve his problems. In my opinion, you shouldn't be surprised or shocked when your child lies?instead, be prepared. Decide ahead of time how you'll deal with the situation when you catch your child in a half-truth and then follow through on it. And always remember to stay as neutral and objective as possible when you do this?your child probably isn't lying to make you look bad or to hurt you; he's lying because he doesn't know a better way to solve his problems yet.

When Our Son Lied: How We Handled It

I'll give you an example from my own life. When our son was in first grade, he came home from school one afternoon acting as if he'd had a good day. But later that afternoon I got a call from the teacher saying that he'd bitten another child on the playground. Our son had lied by omission; he didn't tell us about his misbehavior. We dealt with it by saying, "We got a phone call from your school and they told us what you did. This is very serious behavior." We let him know that it wasn't okay to omit the facts and pretend as if nothing had happened. Then we sent him to his room.

For kids, it's tempting to leave out information about school because parents aren't there and don't know what happened. That's why it's really important to have that dialogue with your child's teacher. You need to know what's going on at school; do whatever you can to get a general sense of the situation. I always say that parents need to be good detectives where their kids are concerned, and having good lines of communication open with the school will help you understand what's really going on when incidents crop up again.

Later, when our son was a teenager, he and some friends engaged in some minor vandalism in our town on Halloween night. Again, he came home and didn't mention anything?but this time, he sat down with us the next morning and told us what he'd done. We handled it by having him call the police immediately and turn himself in. They made him write an account of what happened and he was dealt with through the legal system. We didn't involve the other kids who'd been there that night?we just focused on our own child. While calling the police is a choice every parent has to make on their own, we felt the consequence was appropriate, given what he had done.

Was it easy to follow through on this decision? Not at all. I understand how hard it is for parents to handle difficult situations like this one. Often it takes a great deal of energy as a parent to be consistent, but it's so important to have consequences and follow through on them. And it's the best way to show your child that you can be trusted to be there for them.

When You Catch Your Child in a Lie

Our job as parents is to go to work and provide a home for our kids, while our child's job is to go to school and fulfill his responsibilities at home. As I mentioned before, I believe it's also part of our job to stay actively involved and know how our children are doing in school. Let's say your teen daughter tells you that everything's going fine academically and then you learn she's failing in two subjects. When something like that happens, both you and your child need to do things differently. At this point in time it would be helpful to be more vigilant and start checking her homework. You might also meet with her teachers and set up stronger lines of communication.

When you discuss these changes with your child, you don't have to talk at great length about her half truths and lying. Instead, you can say, "I don't like that you're not being honest with me. You said that things were going well in school, but they're not. Now I'm going to be more involved in making sure you're doing your homework until you show me that you can be responsible and bring your grades back up." If your child continues misrepresenting the truth, you can set limits by giving her less free time until she completes her schoolwork at a satisfactory level. You can say, "If you do your work, you get the same amount of free time. If you don't, you'll have less." I can't state this enough: When you confront your child in these situations, stay matter of fact and objective. It's not about you; it's about the situation at hand. Try to avoid either overreacting or under-reacting. Be honest, above board and clear. And again, it's the follow through that's important.

When You're Not Sure If Your Child is Lying

If you have a hunch your child isn't telling the truth, it's important to talk to her?but you have to be careful and non-intrusive. A way to discuss something you suspect is happening is to start by expressing the concern you feel. You can say, "It seems like there's something going on and I'm worried about you." Deliver that concern in a matter of fact, caring way. If your child tries to avoid the discussion or has a reaction that makes you even more worried, this is a good indicator that you need to look into the situation further. Kids also need to know that you're going to follow through, so you should say something like, "I'm pretty concerned about this situation. I don't really know the details right now and you're not willing to tell me, but I'm going to talk to your friend's mother to find out more about it." In this way, you're not charging in there and accusing your child of something without all the details. Instead, you're stating your concern and telling them that you're going to find out more of the details.

If you actually catch your child in a lie, I think it's always good to be direct and calm. The message doesn't need to be complicated?instead, keep it simple and specific. It's also up to you to control the conversation?in fact, it's important to avoid getting into long-winded discussions, particularly if your child is a junior lawyer who's very good at twisting the facts. When this happens, it becomes more about the words and the slicing and dicing of the situation than the actual situation itself. You can say, "I know that you took your sister's new sweater; I found it on the floor in your closet. That's not okay. You need to apologize to her and pay to have it dry cleaned, or buy her a new one." Instead of engaging in the argument that your child might try to draw you into, get up and walk away.

Consequences for Lying

In most cases, I recommend that you give consequences for the behavior rather than for the lie. Again, your child is using lying, half truths and misrepresentations of the truth to solve a problem. But I also believe there are certain times when you should give your child consequences for lying, as well. Let's say your teen tells you he's going to a friend's house to sleepover, but you find out from a neighbor that he and his friends were out all night in town. In this situation, I would give a consequence both for the inappropriate, risky behavior and for the lie.

If you say to your child, "Were you out last night?" and he says, "Yes, I was. I snuck out with my friends and I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done it." This is an opportunity for your child to admit his mistake. There should still be consequences for that, but for the teen who says, "No way; I wasn't out! That wasn't me," you're also dealing with denial. Either way, there will be consequences for both the lying and the risky behavior. For the child who admits his mistake, you might set the limit of not allowing him to sleep over at a friend's house until you can see he's adhering to his curfew and being honest about coming home. But if there's total denial on the part of your child, the consequences need to be more severe. He may lose his privileges to go out and to sleep over at a friend's house for a longer period of time. You'll also be watching him more carefully.  The ante will be upped, so to speak. The important thing is that you're monitoring your child?and he knows that you're doing it.  Your child won't thank you for restricting his behavior for a time, but he will respect you for sticking to your limit.

We work so hard as parents and often feel pretty overwhelmed when our kids lie. But remember, you'll do a better job when you respond objectively instead of reacting emotionally in these situations. You're not a bad parent because your child tells a lie or misrepresents the truth?this is simply a chance for him to learn that lying isn't the right way to solve his problems. The way to be a good parent in these situations is to call your child on his actions, give consequences and follow through.

Does your child's behavior make you crazy? The truth is, there's no such thing as anxiety-free anything?let alone anxiety-free parenting. You worry about your child's behavior, health, attitude and relationships. You're anxious about how he's going to turn out and if he'll have success in life, and yet you're told over and over to "be calm." "Calm?!" you scream. "How am I supposed to be calm when my child doesn't do what I say, talks back and has a bad attitude?" You might also be thinking, "How else can I get her attention?" In saner moments, you might agree that it would be nice to have a calm home and peaceful relationships, but feel like it's an impossibility.

This is a common response to the idea of being a calm parent. While part of us might love the idea because we don't like yelling and saying things we regret when we're mad at our kids, another part of us might simply not believe it's possible to be calm when our kids are pushing our buttons. That's why we often resort to screaming or other types of reactions with our kids. For many of us, the only way we believe we can calm our own stress or feel validated is by getting our kids to behave the way we want them to.

Related: Tired of yelling, nagging and screaming? How to be a calmer parent.

Here's the problem with that line of thinking: when you do this, you become so over-focused on getting your kids to give you what you need that you become under-focused on soothing yourself. In effect, you're putting the power to calm yourself down in the hands of your children.  That's when you begin to feel needy, and say things like, "I need you to stop bugging your brother. I need you to talk nicely to me. I need you to respect your father."  The implicit message is, "I need you to calm me, validate me, reassure me because I don't know what the heck to do."

Understand that when you need something from your children, you become vulnerable to them because they don't have to give it to you.  That's when you begin to feel overwhelmed and powerless, because you've handed that power to your kids. Your anxiety goes way up, and you feel out of control, so you try to gain control over your kids. And as your anxiety increases, so does your reactivity. You react to your anxiety by yelling, hovering, controlling, ignoring, giving in, criticizing, and blaming. You try to control your child?and in his own way, he'll fight back. At that point you've lost sight of him and of yourself. You're trying desperately to manage your distress in the only ways you know how, but these ways are not working; they simply cause heightened tension, more power struggles and acting out. Soon, everyone in the family is acting from anxiety and not from thoughtfulness. The power struggle begins and seems to never end. This is the reason why it's so important for you to learn the skill of becoming a calm parent.

Related: Stop getting caught in power struggles with your child.

Do You Feel Responsible for Your Child's Success in Life?

When you believe you're responsible for how your child turns out, you put a huge amount of pressure on yourself, because you've given yourself an impossible task. It's part of the reason why you get anxious, reactive and mad at your kids. But remember, anxiety breeds reactivity and calm breeds calm.

 "How else am I going to get my child to behave and act like a good citizen?" you ask. "If I don't get him to do it, who will? And how can I be calm when he's not calm?"  The way you will get him there is by getting the focus where it belongs?off of him and onto you.

Here are some ways to stop being an anxious parent and start being a calm one:

1) Make being calm your number one goal. Most of us have had a boss at one time or another who infuriated them. When dealing with this person, how did you keep your cool? As much as you would have liked to scream at your boss, you probably kept it together, because you didn't give yourself permission to lash out. This is the first and most important step: Remind yourself that losing it is never allowed.

2) Don't make your child's behavior about you. When you react as if your child's behavior is about you, then it becomes about you.  But her behavior is her choice?how  you decide to respond to it is always your choice. This is where you have control?over yourself, and no one else. The bottom line is that your child's behavior is ultimately hers to decide.  It is not about you.

3) Always decide how you will behave as a parent, no matter how your child chooses to behave. Your child doesn't control your behavior, but sometimes if you're not careful, you'll act as if he does. If you're looking for your child's validation, then you've put him in control of you. Remind yourself of the following:  "No one can validate me but me."

4) Turn your focus on yourself. Focus on your own behavior, not on your child's. Part of this is learning ways to better manage your emotions. When you get focused on your life and your goals, you'll have more connection and influence over your child.

5) Put your "thinking self" in the driver's seat and put your emotions in the passenger seat. Make decisions from your head instead of from your fleeting emotions. Most importantly, know the difference between the two?are you reacting to your child out of anger, or are you thinking through your responses first and calmly telling him what you've decided? Let your emotions inform you, but don't allow them to take over the steering wheel.  This is the best way to thoughtfully decide how you want to lead your family.

Take Time for Yourself

Remember, you have the right to take time for yourself. You don't have to answer your child immediately with a knee-jerk reaction if something makes you upset. Take the time to figure it out.

A thoughtful response always starts with pausing, thinking, and then asking yourself "How do I want to handle this?" Your goal is to problem solve with your child, but it's hard to get there if you're upset. Take some time first to figure out what's bothering you the most. Ask yourself, "Why am I so upset? What's being triggered here for me?"  Recognize what's pulling you in different directions. Use whatever it takes to get clarity on what's happening with your child versus what's happening with you. The closer you can be to "What does my child really need in this situation?"  the better you can help him.

What you can?and can't?change about your child

You can change how you react to your child, but you can't change him. Remember, it's not about changing your child, it's about changing yourself and how you react to him. The process of attempting to change someone else is actually flawed from the start. Instead, recognize that you have to change yourself, which means getting your anxiety in check, managing your emotions, being an observer of yourself, and knowing what's being triggered for you.

I like to think of parenting as being similar to leadership in an organization. If you have an immature leader running an organization, it's not going to be very good leadership. The more that leader is his own person and acts in fair and respectable ways, the better everybody's going to do. It's the same thing with parenting. One question I always ask clients is, "What do you want to do in this situation as a responsible parent?" Sometimes you might back off, and sometimes you might set a firmer limit with your child. Essentially, you're creating a boundary for yourself. What will you put up with? What's your bottom line? The key is to take a clear approach in what you will do as a responsible parent.

Related: Parent the child you have--not the child you wish you had.

Look at who your child is naturally. You're not going to change a zebra into a leopard. You can help your child stretch a little bit and work on her skills. If she's very outgoing and reactive, she may have to be reined in. If she's very introverted, she may have to stretch a little bit.  While you can't change your child's personality, you can influence her toward better behavior by calmly giving thoughtful consequences and setting limits.

When you shift your way of doing things and become a calm parent, you'll shift your whole family system. Think of it this way: somebody can work for a boss and be terrible, and then work for another boss and be great. That worker's personality hasn't necessarily changed?rather, the boss/employee dynamic has changed. The same is true with your child. If you stop focusing on what's wrong with your child and instead focus on what you need to change in yourself, you're on your way.